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Sentidos

Em minha memória a relação com o hospital – esta de quem o habita no direito de ir e vir – se estrutura pelos sentidos. O cheiro e os sons marcas iniciais. Depois sapatos brancos. Antes o barulho dos passos. Depois a parafernália de controles ligados ao corpo. Antes seus sons procurando melodias. Antes e depois os cheiros invisíveis de assepsias para o ambiente e a pele, cheiros de corpos recém operados ou em estado de alerta. Cheiros que prenunciam o fim. Cheiros que jamais se revelarão em bulas, mas que estruturam sentidos.

O som dos silêncios em vários modos de ser. Silêncios do repouso, do corpo anestesiado. Os da introspecção, de espanto e medo. Os silêncios da espera, pesados como meio do dia no deserto. Os silêncios irremediáveis que se colocam como ponto final. Os silêncios de renascimento, de preparação e despedida. Silêncios da noite no dia. Anos 80, ultimo ano da graduação em psicologia. Estagiária no Instituto do coração. Camisa e sapatos brancos , saia ou calça azul clara. Lembranças que se embrenham no papel. Não guardei peça de roupa da época, fotos não tirei.

Hospital pela primeira vez. Foi na terapia intensiva, unidade coronariana.Os aparelhos apitavam em uma repetição rotineira. Tinha o tic tac da tarde.Nessa orquestração um dos aparelhos sai do tom. Passos agitados, vários em corrida, os som das cortinas que se fecham, um vai e vem de palavras que não se escutam, mas vibram em ansiedade. Depois o barulho do aparelho de reanimação, seqüência que respeita ritmo e expectativa. Por fim o silencio Silêncios da prece.

Mas na memória tenho o dia que ali ouvi a morte dentro do intransponível do corpo inerte. O silencio que confunde o olho na duvida entre o sono e a morte. E assim a gente se batiza nessa arte do cuidar. Muito mais no silencio que na palavra.

Tudo era inspiração nesta fase, desafios cotidianos de lidar com situações limites e momentos de crise, cada quarto uma história tão rica, tão densa, tão cheia de detalhes e nuances. Acho que todos nós, profissionais de saúde que lá trabalhavam, sabíamos disso. Quanto de nós aceitava não dar conta desta riqueza? Entrar e sair do quarto sabendo que cuidou de um pedacinho desse mundão que é cada homem/mulher/paciente/doente/filho/filha/pai/mãe (etc.), tantos outros juntos em dialogo, desentendimento e continuação.

Hospital devia ter catador de histórias. Assim como se recolhe a história clinica para precisar o diagnóstico, devia ter um catador de histórias, dos detalhes e nuances que faz cada um rico e único em conhecimento. Alguém para traduzir silêncios em palavras, também aqueles intransponíveis. Eu queria ser um deles, tinha 23 anos, sonhos e entusiasmo. Mas quando a porta do quarto se abria, meus olhos encontravam aquele mundão dentro de cada paciente e eu percebia que o que eu tinha aprendido até então não dava conta desse oceano que é ser gente.

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